Funny Facebook Quotes


I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it’s too long.

Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”

No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke…

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.

God loves me even when I don’t forward those chain letters.

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio…

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ’em to fuck with you.

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.

The teacher asks Timmy “why is your cat at school today?” Timmy says, crying, “Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.’ so I’m saving him!”

If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.