Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
- Bob Rubin
 

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
- Walter Mattbau
 

I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
- Steven Pearl
 

I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
- Anonymous
 

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
- Anonymous
 

she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
- Jacob Braude
 

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Michel de Montaigne
 

Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
- Anonymous

 

 

Gray hair is God's graffiti.
- Bill Cosby
 

I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
- Gabe Kaplan
 

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
- T. G. Appleton
 

We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
- Bob Hope
 

Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
- Anonymous
 

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
- Anonymous
 

I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
- Joe E. Lewis
 

I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
- Anonymous
 

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
- Red Skelton